I continue to help a neighbor walk his dog. To my surprise, this simple act has illuminated a lot of imbalanced energies within me relating to control, domination, coercion, demand, command, etc.
As mentioned in a previous post where the neighbor expected me to report to him after each walk, or else he would freak out, this week when he told me to walk his dog, I asked him outright: “Do you still want me to …?”
I found that revolting, but at the same time, pitiful.
Revolting because in my mind, if you don’t trust me, don’t even bother to waste my time; if you want me to help you, obviously you are the one who needs to trust me first. This comes from the Chinese saying 疑人勿用，用人勿疑, which literally translates to: doubtful men, don’t use; use men, don’t doubt.
Pitiful because I could sense the heavy distrust, worry, anxiety, etc., in him. He can actually freak out, if I promise to walk his dog and then don’t. It’s a bit excessive, isn’t it? This is the problem with fear, distrust, worry, anxiety, compulsiveness, etc. They eat you.
. . .
Anyhow, this post is about the controlling part of my experience, and that is the part where he tries to control me in order to control the fear, distrust, worry, anxiety, agitation, etc., within him. I felt suffocated. More specifically, I felt his imbalanced energies strangling me.
In my course on the twelve senses, there is a type of touch in the touch pathways that is compulsive, coercive, controlling, etc. I mean, the way someone comes into contact with you or interact with you, is through control, telling you to do this, go there, don’t do that, don’t go there. To them, this is a way–the only way–of expressing care for you. They honestly think that they are acting in your best interest, that everything they do is for your own good. They have absolutely no clue that they are controlling you. It is never their intention. And even if you tell them that they are controlling you, they will defend themselves and deny it with all their might (the excessive reaction is also part and parcel of their controlling nature, in fact, it is the balancing feature of their imbalanced energies). Because they are unconscious. Becoming balanced is to become more conscious.
Have you heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions? It is because the intention is never bad, it is the method that is inhumane, because the people are not conscious of the effects (and imbalanced energies) of their method.
. . .
After that incident, I thought I had consciously released all the imbalanced energies within me relating to control, but alas, I still have a lot more, because I felt it again when I interacted with him last night.
Not only was his request last minute, the actual request was not to ask me to commit to walking his dog today, but to stand by for his confirmation as to whether he wanted me to walk his dog today. Stand by? Without paying me to stand by? What?!
So instead of giving me enough notice in advance so that I can arrange my schedule, he wants me to open up my time for the possibility that he may or may not need me. So I will have to keep checking my phone for his confirmation, whenever he wishes to alert me. What if I want to turn off my phone? What if I do not want to carry my phone with me? Those options are not available to me right? That’s control.
I don’t stick to my phone 24 hours a day. So I need to change my behavior just because of his request? Or I can just turn him down, saying, if your confirmation does not arrive after 9pm, then consider me unavailable tomorrow. I was indeed going to say something to that effect, but I was too infuriated to sound nice, so I didn’t say anything.
Even if he were to give me either a clean and clear schedule, I wouldn’t have to psychologically stick to him and my phone, and I could simply allow my natural rhythm and flow to determine how to spend my time today. To me, that’s freedom.
I know that our provincial labor law states that an employer does not have to pay an employee for the time spent on standing by, but I would not accept that kind of employment conditions unless there is a premium pay for work performed after standing by. I mean, there must be a compensation for making myself available, for making me drop everything else that I am doing, whenever you want me. But he did not mention any such compensation. He really thought that I am available at his command, whenever he wants.
This is the problem with this type of touch that is imprinted in a person’s touch pathways. The person’s style of interaction with others is controlling, commanding, demanding, domineering, etc., without any realization that it is imbalanced, therefore without any cognizance that they are unfair to others, and there is no way that you can change them, unless they themselves actually can jump out of their sensory network to inspect their sense of touch, how they connect with us, how the contact feels, etc.
Both of my parents are controlling, domineering, commanding, demanding, etc., and so my sensory organs and perception are built to connect to such people. My sensory system is used to this kind of human connection. So I attract this type of people. But I am trying to change that.