Last night, someone repeatedly told me that he would like to be my friends with benefits (FWB). It’s not the FWB part that I am annoyed by, it’s his habitual repetitive way of asserting himself hat I am annoyed by.
In our daily conversations, I find him using that pattern from time to time, every time it’s because he tries to assert his opinion, reason, preference, etc. Even back in 2017, when I first knew him, he told me he preferred older women; I didn’t have any opinion–since it’s irrelevant to me–yet he repeatedly justified himself. It’s not like I’m arguing with him, I don’t understand where that compulsive obstinate need for repetition comes from.
While pondering on this annoying repetition style of communication, my focus suddenly transferred to my interaction with my boss. She told me to look up a college website to see if she could post a job advertisement there. I read the terms and conditions for posting on the Careers webpage, and I said we couldn’t post there, because the institution would not accept posting for positions that are 100% commission based. She said, while looking at the sentence that I pointed to, “Yeah, that’s okay, we can post there.” I kept saying, “That sentence meant we cannot.” She said we could. I said no.
Back and forth. I tried to rephrase the sentence I don’t know in how many possible ways. She wanted to hire a therapist and paying her/him only commissions. The college didn’t want to post jobs that don’t guarantee a minimum wage to its students. It didn’t allow that kind of job postings. How else do you want me to say it? It’s right on that page!
So … I sat back and stared into space, and thought to myself, ‘What’s happening?’
As soon as I returned to my inner space to scan for a reason for this problem, she came to her senses, and said, “Oh I see.”
. . .
So I’m manufacturing two separate occasions with the same underlying problem. I scanned within myself. A bit of background information: in order to manufacture a mass event, every one in the event must have similar underlying energies, so for me to dissolve the undesirable experience, I just have to scan within me for the energies that I don’t want.
The root cause is related to invalidation of self, and by extension, everything coming from the self is therefore invalidated. Hence, opinions, preferences, etc.
In this behavioral pattern, the conditioned response to the invalidation is to repeatedly assert oneself.
In the first case, with my friend, although I didn’t invalidate him, I had the same underlying energy as him, so I attracted his repetition tendency. More specifically, I have an oppressed need to assert myself in the face of invalidation, and that need is heavily repressed and compressed that I would not have been aware of it had I not scan within myself as to why I attracted his pattern.
I was violently oppressed. I was not allowed to express myself, because my existence was invalidated at the get-go, so whatever I said or wanted would naturally be invalidated. Because I vehemently rejected this invalidation treatment of me, I forcefully tried to assert myself, only to be shut down, each time more aggressive and intense than the last. The repetition had a compounding effect. It’s my emotions of being invalidated, and my emotions of being shut down when I tried to express the former emotions, that got compacted and compounded to create a tightly knotted clump of energy.
That is the energy that is attracting my friend’s repetition style of communication with me.
. . .
As I release the above energies, I continue to release other underlying energies that were also including in manufacturing these events.
