I too had fear of failure. I knew I wanted to do something different than what most people where doing around me, at some point I believed in my “talents” and I went ahead and pursued them. I did theater, sang, wrote poetry and a lot more creative stuff. Every time I got positive comments from my friends, family and some strangers I couldn’t believe them.
I was never pressured to follow some type of career path, was completely free to do whatever I wanted; but still didn’t do it. I sabotaged myself thinking I wasn’t good enough, compared myself with the great ones and wondered how I was going to able to live up to them, without realizing I was doing it all wrong. I believed I had to be perfect just to be able to reach some level of success. I put so much pressure on myself that I stopped believing in who I was.
So what did I do? I numbed myself. I chose a steady job that at some point I thought it was my call, I followed the norm: ‘Enjoy what you have (which I always do anyway) and don’t wish for more’. I stayed away from anything creative and just went to work day to day.
It wasn’t as “easy” as I thought, I still reminisced of all the poems I wrote and how everybody loved the sweet sound of my voice even when I didn’t reach the full potential of the notes, read endlessly just so one day I could write a book, my very own book, but still thought I wasn’t good enough.
I believe nothing lasts forever, everything changed for me the moment I was surrounded by some situations with some people that broke me inside that left me with the only option to put the pieces together again. There was not another “easy” way out. It was so bad I would cry every day and sometimes at night before going to bed. I would complain to my husband all the time, I was breaking, was hurting and had no idea how to get away from it all.
Until one day this person was telling me things and I couldn’t comprehend, it was as if she was crushing me, as if she was imposing some hidden rules that everyone must follow even when you know they are wrong, I felt like I couldn’t be with people whom prefer to shut up than speak up. That wasn’t me and I came across that day when I felt like I had to get out and that’s exactly what I did. I left and never looked back.
This has been the best year because after that storm everything else feels like sunshine.
Now I’m already putting the last pieces of me together reclaiming my talents back, me and myself. I’m writing that book in Spanish even if it’s not perfect, singing even when I don’t know those notes, writing songs (a first for me) and back in a theater play. I’m grateful for the trust my friend Jutta has in me posting in her blog what I write in English. Today, in this moment right now I’m feeding my soul, not listening to society.
Some might say I wasted time in my prime years (whatever that means) but I don’t care, because I’m starting to live my truth.
If I can do it, what’s stopping you?
Author: Olguita La del Barrio